Everytime The Steves™ had a baby, Peter bought a new crock pot and set aside a little money, in case it went to college.
Sometimes the neighbor next door will wake me up at 3 a.m. to tell me her boyfriend’s name is “Oh Joe, Oh Joe, Oh Joe,” although this morning, I’m betting she just calls him plain ol’ Joe.
yes, i am aware that october lacks yet a day, but it is sunday, and lovely, and all is well and so it is in honor of young buxtehude that i make The Season’s First Pot Roast; and Pie! don’t forget the apple pie.
Henry often thought about the great mystery of lint, wondering what role it played in the game of life and, even more importantly, whether it could be trusted.
Old coffee is a friend to no one.
For a tool with only a single function, it is remarkable in how many different ways a diaper can fail to perform its main task.
It took me one month of living here to realize that if I lay down in that narrow bathtub with my arms at my sides, I will almost get stuck.
as a kid, i used to get in the biggest trouble for telling stories that now i can get paid to write.
I have known many people who went by an alias.
I once lived in a very cheap apartment on the alley that fronted to (backed to?) the Notel Motel.
If I told you all of my secrets your head would probably explode.
If you’re at a conference full of doctors and you start choking on a hunk of apple, they’ll calmly watch you turn blue while commenting on the delicious irony of the scene.
Little Jimmy Riggins’ first race against time took place in his Radio Flyer.
Only the last few bubbles, drifting slowly to the surface, marked where he went down the final time.
articulated.
be sure to keep your killer whales orcanized
i shall conjoin my eyebrows, mustachios, imperial, sideboards, and goatee with wax and give it all a distinguished twirl
And don’t forget, everyone, that next week’s meeting is at 2 p.m. at the downtown theatre, where we’ll watch The Secret and eat delicious $10 popcorn in the comfort of air-conditioned, stadium seating.
Peter envied his comb’s simple life.
It is true that all of my intimate relationships have been a profound manifestation of bad faith, but some more than others.
Miss Jane, there is a man with a leafblower outside my office this morning who would be much improved by the application of your flamethrower.
T9Word is the worst evil that technology has perpetrated on manking.
She realized too late that the decline in her free energy was a direct result of her enthalpy being dragged down by his rapidly increasing entropy, which seemed to be enhanced by the fact that he was kind of hot.
“Ouch,” winced Bobbie as his mother tweezed another of the hundreds of small, sharp words from his hands and face, “How come you never warned me?”
“Well, it looks like you’ve gotten yourself into about 3 inches of trouble,” the doctor said as he examined the ruler sticking out of Glen’s head.
Is there anything worse than having a Realtor as a near relative?
He lost his job as karate instructor because during his first lesson he’d ask a student to name the capital of Thailand, then before said student could answer, would apply a chop to the groin while deadpanning, “Bangkok”.
Aaron watched as his life continued to spin ever more out of control, all from that one wrong decision.
Becky tickled the blue wren under his chin and giggled as he honked and danced in dusty circles.
It’s hard to decided where to live when your heart is in one place, but your soul is set on another.
I’ve probably grown up more than any of my friends these past couple of months, and they all seem not too happy about it.
there’s nothing more painful, than having wings and not being able to fly.
Ms. Pulcifer, noticing that all her pending tasks had been assigned to other people, and that nobody above her in the food chain would make eye contact, took the pre-emptive step of shopping the supply room for a good, sturdy box with handles and a lid.
K.C. had the feeling everyone thought he was going about things backwards, but that was fine with him, since he made it his policy to never elaborate upon any of his indeterminate plans.
the side door of my garage is open, but there’s no one home but me, and I locked all the doors before taking a nap…
Sing, O muse, the anger of the guy that just spilled coffee on himself, that brought countless ills upon his pants and forced those within earshot to yearn for an end to his profanity and that mighty Achilles might show up and stab him randomly.
“Once you’re in middle school,” my son explained to me this morning regarding the release of Halo 3 and his pressing need for an Xbox, “none of those kid games matter anymore, and you really have to focus on the task at hand, which is to reclaim the galaxy from the alien forces of the Covenant.”
Upon the birth of their child, ‘mouse-aunt said to ‘mouse-uncle, “Remember about how you said you wanted an equal role parenting our child, well, here you go, you’re nine months behind.”
If while on a nature hike with your newborn you make the mistake of setting your baby down amongst the moose calves, don’t panic, because finding your own baby is easy as long as you stay calm and remember that the musky scent of the moose calf is slightly stronger than that of the newborn human baby.
1. Dropped babies don’t bounce, much.
I was telling my daughter one of my typical bad jokes, when she gave me a look that said, “Dad, I wasn’t born yesterday,” which was technically true since she was born on Saturday.
(PS She really was.)
I want to know the feeling of being able to escape whenever you want to and be able to go anywhere your heart desires.
I’ve always wondered, if the sky’s the limit, then what happens if we want to shoot for the stars in space?
How I said something that should have mattered to everyone, but days later it meant nothing to anyone but me.
Are potatoes ever jealous of the fancy vegetables they nestle next to in the fruit and vegetable stands?
Awwwww, Ernie, you were quite a beautiful baby.
I’m short one heart, care to lend me yours? Didn’t think so.
Steve of Onepotmeal has locked the clubhouse door, leaving ‘mouse to wonder (for the millionth time in his cruel, lonely life) what all the cool kids are doing in there while he’s out in the cold, alone.
It made me laugh to know grandpa was stopping by to go swimming in that gray, wool 1920’s one-piece swimsuit of his, but then I realized he would be 107 years old and started wondering if he even had his suit, and then realized he’d been dead for a long time, which woke me up.
There is a certain beauty in doing something so utterly futile.
She firmly believed in the saving power of the comma splice, it was redemptive.
As inspired by: Jo's A Mystery!
Juan had thought Gloria would find his nails an exciting challenge, so he was shocked when she went all Soup-Nazi on him and ordered him out of her shop, “And don’t ever come back!”
The morning sun pouring in through the office window was enough.
I have reason to believe, that I should have never trusted my heart.
your standards are limited, I have no standards.
he still said “i love you” after i chose someone else.
how exactly do you galvanize an object
she and i spoke of insignificant things- signifieds and signifiers, signifying nothing.
What IS this weird stuff under my nails; where have my hands been?
giving me a necklace doesn’t necessarily prove that you ARE dedicated to me.
Things aren’t coming up roses, but they are coming up juniper berries, and that’s good enough.
I stopped wishing I was pretty the day you called me, “Beautiful.”
When I ask for someone to sleep with me, I don’t want sex, I want the feeling of security.
I’m afraid my feet will look like two throbbing zombie watermelons when I take off my shoes tonight.
I’ve been with him for a year, and we barely met in person last week.
While this isn’t the place, this is the time that I need to say what must be said, to show in some way what must be changed, to tip the scales back, just ever so slightly, to the cause of people.
There’s nothing so sad as the sight of a sad and lonley pirate.
When asked, under oath, where you got the numbers for “gross rental income” reported on your tax returns, “I estimated” sounds exactly like “I made ‘em up” and that doesn’t tend to sit well with the judge.
If your rental house has been occupied by the same family for five years it is not going to be to your benefit to show your ex-wife’s lawyer your tax returns claiming (under penalty of perjury) $3,000/year in “advertising expense for rental property.”
I baked a cake for the occasion, which appears to be simply that it is a Friday in September and therefore time to gather in Unitarian groups.
What I always want type in reply is, “The Help function within the Microsoft Office Suite is almost cruel in its passive-aggressive brevity; the fact that Bill Gates is the richest man in the U.S., and that we consumers paid him every cent he has for the privilege of being utterly frustrated with his products, speaks volumes about our collective sense of low self-esteem,” but there is never enough room in the little comment box.
My wife yells at me, I yell at our oldest daughter, she yells at her little sister, and her little sister cries and cries.
Having spent the last few days trying to prepare for my estate sale so I can get rid of nearly everything I’ve gathered around me the last 46 years, I’m beginning to realize why most people die before having one.
After a violent whipping, the cook placed the scrambled eggs in the pan, completely disregarding the fact that he’d allowed his participle to dangle free and untamed like a raging metaphor that makes no sense.
happy fall/spring, scriners!
I no more believe you were in the office promptly at 7:00 than you believe I will take exactly 1/2 an hour for lunch, but in accordance with our treaty, we’ll say nothing to our boss.
A little Hawaiian music sets a nice tone for a not-quite-Friday-yet coffee break.
Vice tapped lightly on his window and, despite his knowing better, he opened said window, invited vice inside, laid down on the floor, and placed vice’s boot squarely on his own neck.
on the SRO bus, Jackie felt like starting a singing round of “The cows on the bus go moo, moo, moo…”
Dennis seemed unsure of his error when he related to his friends that his substandard lovelife with his wife was a par lay.
Having just returned from a keelhauling down at the local courthouse, our hero was happy to discovery grog and pirate-talk.
The trouble with boot being on an empty pirate ship is twofold: one, the rum eventually runs out and, two, there’s no-one else to swab the deck.
Mate, I’ve always what an Australian woman pirate would sound like.
Cap’n Dread Boot leapt onto the rails, sword in hand, and cried “Slap on ye ‘Seafoam’ skin, talk like a pirate and hand me the rum, for Talk Like a Pirate Day is begun!”
It was McGinty’s job, as pirate ship’s accountant, to keep track of the international exchange rate for dubloons, pieces o’ eight, and dead men’s chests.
McGinty sailed with the pirates for many years as ship’s accountant.
I’m busier than a pimply teenage pirate looting his first boudoir.
On the one hand, I understand and appreciate the presence of schadenfreude in the world; on the other, I have a blister the size of Louisiana immediately after its purchase.
“Arrgh!” squeaked ‘mouse timorously, trying without success to imitate the cap’n's bullish roar.
One should take everything the person in the mirror says with a grain of salt and a shot of sweet delicious liquor.
“They really are social creatures once you get to know them,” Henry said, pointing to the tiny hummingbird nest in his left ear.
My friend Bender sent me this drawing of android boobs to add to Scrine’s boobie collection: | o | | o |
In the opening scene of the grammar-based daytime soap I’m writing, Punctuation Pete, the self-proclaimed lady’s man, has fallen into a deep comma after a terrible kissing accident.
“I don’t know why she called me a ‘scrineless bastard!’” thought Juan, “I’ve still got a few good sentences left in me.”
There’s a something brewing, matey, yargggh, there’s something looming in that thar grey mist.
Learn them, love them, use them well and one day they may save your life.
Henry breathed a big sigh of relief (in his imagination).
Sometimes my son will report to me about the 80 year old lady lurking around in our driveway who looks suspicious, but if you watch her long enough, you’ll realize she’s just really, really slow at getting her mail.
Maybe the Scrine skin you pick directly influences your creativity.
He placed the stereotype on the anvil and began hammering it into something sharp and deadly that he could use to open the minds of the self-righteous.
So now, imagine a complex engineering endeavor in which humans, gibbons, chimpanzees, gorillas, lemurs, baboons, kangaroos, wombats, opossums, Tasmanian devils, bandicoots, and koalas participate together (too bad, for this exercise alone the Thylacosmilus became extinct!).
If I was a dog, I’d bark for pumpkin pie too.
As inspired by: 'mouse's Breaking fast
Greg was agog as he googled for news on fresh googs, so much so that he was driven to glog.
What’s the point???????
Mary had consciously chosen her neighbour Miss Jane to emulate as a very young child and, as a consequence, Mary was rarely allowed to play with the neighbouring children—she frightened the brainless twits much in the same manner Miss Jane frightened the bleating parents.
The transition is sometimes difficult; for instance, last night I didn’t have any salt or pepper in the house (still sitting on the counter over at the farm) for my baked potato, but being an adaptive sort, I piled on enough butter to make a Wisconsin dairyman blush.
Just about the time I start to forgot all about my friend Schuster, he’ll show up with a six-pack, that human skull that’s always rolling around in the trunk of his car, and a week’s worth of hats he’s stolen from barbershops around town.
“Good Boy!” said Roger, patting the dog’s head and humming his own version of the mutt’s (and his own) favorite song, “How come your dog don’t bark when I come around?”
I would have a much easier time imagining I was somewhere exotic if from across the pool and across the street I didn’t see the back wall of the Circle K.
Juan concluded that fasting was an excellent idea, and he practiced it every day right up until breakfast.
Last night I argued with my wife for hours in my dreams, knowing full well the whole time that she was right and I was wrong.
Anyone who eats the menu will get a chance to win a pair of tickets of Star Dust.
I should apologize for the things I’ve done, but I’m guessing there’ll be worse, so I better wait.
i just received a phone call from an online merchant whose request for comment i had just answered online and i can say with confidence that i had not ever fully imagined the personal scolding such an interchange might engender.
Despite corporate publications to the contrary, Gloria knew that atrazine was no sort of friend to the frogs.
At the librarian toga party, many of the librarians could be seen openly smiling during the quiet part of “Louie, Louie.”
Sitting in her cubicle in an unfinished office, listening to a construction worker drill through a steel beam ten feet away from her desk, and listening to three more guys knock down drywall, Bronwyn knew that the decision to quit drinking on weeknights was a smart one.
Watching his lips move but trying her best to block out the sound, Judy quietly calculated the probability of her husband dying a violent death.
Waking up to find three crushed, lifeless yellow balls of down, Fletcher realized that sleeping with the newborn chicks had been a bad idea.
Quietly weeping, he glanced over at the noose hanging from the rafter and thought, “Well, maybe just a couple more paragraphs.”
It was upon the sixth reading of the incredibly dry, boring sentence from her textbook that she realized she had actually fallen asleep two pages before and now had all the abilities one has in dreams, including reading boring books incredibly slowly.
Variety may be the spice of life…but lately everything in my life tastes of cumin.
I’ve just been reading my bankrupt friend’s letters and while I always knew there was someone behind all of this, little did I think it would be someone so infernally polite.
With the help of your heartfelt and encouraging letters supporting my constant and nearly nonstop spending (oh how I wish I could shop in my sleep!), I have been able to finely hone the art of the zero bank balance, and for this, Mr. Oliver, I would like to personally thank you.
bottom line: you’re gonna be workin on maggie’s farm some more long before your parents ever think of buying the farm, at which point you’ll be too old not to be kept down on the farm no more even if you’ve seen gay paree.
At night, Mr. Oliver would write letters to consumers, wishing them the best of success in their attempt to part with their every penny.
Henry offered no apology for his sluggish pace, and in fact, considered it almost his duty to slow down as much of the world as he possibly could.
As he sailed downward past the second-story windows, John realized that he’d forgotten to carry the 2 during his calculation of wind resistance.
I can’t tell what hurts more, the thumb in my heart or the remaining four fingers squeezing my head.
As inspired by: skif's Modern etiquette #1
As Miss Jane neatly pressed closed each little labeled plastic bag, she continued her polite explanation to the lady still lying partly on the floor, “...and, as I’m sure I’ve mentioned already, not only was that conversation highly inappropriate for a workplace, it is certainly not even an appropriate conversation for anywhere other than one’s own home… oh, dear, I appear to have dropped blood on your shoe.”
As inspired by: boot's the harlequin in her heart
Accused by the state of genetic crimes involving ladybugs, as well as multiple violations of the mathematic variable laws, particularly those involving the number 8, Rosie sat alone in her cell dreaming of billowy justice, her red lips trembling.
Children - especially your own children - should be raised by other people; always avoid the plague like, well, the plague; the pursuit of money is never in poor taste; and America is a necessary evil.
While Peter bravely explored the Brink of Madness, Juan sat in the sticky, bubbling Vat of Madness as the temperature rose and the natives chanted.
After the unfortunate shoelace incident, Victor’s passion for cobbling dwindled.
As the arrow thunked into the wall next to his head, he thought to himself, rather calmly under the circumstances, “Giving the monkey a weapon was a poor choice”.
It might not be as obvious as it might seem, but dictaphones and co-workers phone calls go well together - however it is good manners to wipe smirk off face before, during and after.
Why is it that working in an office environment creates so much fodder for Scrine?
When returning to work after 3 weeks holidays, it would be the height of bad manners to take a personal mobile phone at 9am, then at 9.25 am, offer to ring friend back on the office phone while you get her up to date about the best friend who, over the weekend, acquired phone buddy’s ex and an STD - particularly in an open plan office.
Unfolding her hands gently, Rosie hoped the little ladybug had survived, but it wasn’t there and in its place was a young girl, not unlike herself, but so spindly and sparkly that she couldn’t help but laugh.
Sitting down at her desk, staring wide eyed at the paper work which had exploded into an orgy of cloning, she sighed wistfully at the missed opportunity to have a double chocolate sandwich for lunch.
Life was much easier for Peter once he realized that the “brink of madness” was actually a two hundred mile wide stretch of sand and sagebrush located somewhere east of Tuscon.
I rather think I might faint if I post just one more sentence.
as i’m certain that i’m not digging my own hole fast enough.
Muriel selected a tasteful pair of reading glasses, smugly happy in the knowledge she’d avoided bifocals for one more go-around.
If this were school, my prof would have given me a C by now, and I could have closed this file in relief; as this is the workplace, though, these damned revisions will never end.
The bogeyman wondered if his annual reprise video of himself jumping out from under the bed was losing its effectiveness.
He was an exceptional cook, particularly adept at microwave dinners for one, seasoned with tears.
When in an open plan office, use your inside voice - ‘why yes, I really did want to overhear, in your overbearing, loud, obnoxious voice, the details of your weekend away, and the gleeful news that your best friend caught an STD over that same weekend’ - this stops the office workmates from overhearing your private conversation.
The old couple to the south are invisible on weekends.
I would sleep a week just for the dreams alone, but I can come up with other good reasons if you need them.
She’s the Beauty Pageant Contestant without a Contest.