I forgot to go to bed last night and thought I would be tired, but when first light and I bumped into one another around 4, I remembered just how much sleeping makes you miss.
No man is an island, although island has much in common with isle, which sounds somewhat like liar, which many men are.
Sometimes I don’t do what my wife wants me to do simply to prove that nagging doesn’t work.
When the applicant pointed out that her husband’s job before becoming a missionary had been at Starbucks, the chief couldn’t help but say, “Coffee and God - both important jobs.”
Having worked at the reference desk at a public library for 10 years, Theodora refused to believe the studies that say that the crazy people do not really come out more frequently at the full moon.
When I get home tonight, I will pit two pints of sour cherries; I will turn on the oven and heat it to 350 degrees (F); I will blend together 3 3/4 ounces of all-purpose flour, 1 1/4 ounces of ground almonds, a teaspoon of baking powder and a teaspoon of salt; I will leave them aside for a moment while I beat together 4 ounces of unsalted butter, 7 ounces of granulated sugar, 2 large eggs and 1/2 teaspoon of almond extract; I will add the dry ingredients to the liquid and stir, gently, until all is combined; I will scrape the batter into an 8” round cake tin (which might be greased and floured, or which might not, depending on my mood); I will take those pitted sour cherries and embed them into the top surface of the cake; I will place it in the oven and bake for at least 50 minutes, or until the cake is done and the house smells of caramelized butter, sugar and almonds; I will take the cake out of the oven and let it cool down, and only then will I know whether this was a brilliant idea or a horrible mistake.
It’s a truth well-known but little acknowledged that when an employee is faced with a new type of workplace pressure, he will revert back to skill sets that saw him through his previous jobs; I’m sure this doesn’t adequately excuse Stevens, the former pro-wrestler, from what he did to the Exec VP at the joint-application development meeting, but maybe it’s a start.
As inspired by: hameno's but which one is orthodox?
With this entry I am one closer to the secret handshake, which Keith tells me will be revealed after 50 scrines.
Anything worth saying sounds better sung in Portuguese.
Preferably Friesian, loud moo-ing okay, milk-producing a must.
Pete dreamed of being able to live on the island of liars and truth tellers, where everyone is either a liar or a truth-teller even if it isn’t plastered on their forehead.
Sheila attempted to create a formula on the mathematics of sex but became exhausted just thinking about the sheer number of possible partners.
I actually got a high today off of starting a brand-new blog.
There are a million different uses for a sharp, pointy stick, but poking your sister is by far the best use yet.
To any scriners et al suffering from ennui and overall existential angst (and you know who you are), get yourselves to a good acupuncturist and become a pincushion…I swear, it works.
Is it true that at 200 sentences you get a free yogurt maker, or is that just a vicious, and possibly actionable, rumor?
If you are a salesman who leaves a message marked “urgent” on my attorney-office voicemail at 7:30pm asking me to call ASAP and not explaining who you are and what you want, no jury in the world would convict me if I track you down and kill you.
“Oh no, look what it did to the [unintelligible]!”
“Oh my god, this is THE BEST THING EVER!” Kara told her father after he overcame her “oh gross” by threatening to beat her if she continued to turn her nose up at his favorite childhood memory.
I’m trying, really trying, not to be owned by my possessions, but I can’t deny that I am thrilled to distraction with the yogurt maker I bought on the way home from work tonight.
{snort} 
At the age of 60, when his exciting, new 39-year-old girlfriend missed her period, Willard experienced all the same “Holy Shit, what am I going to do?!” emotion he first experienced as a teenager some 43 years earlier.
As Bronwyn contemplated the ever-speedier passage of time, she thought of three moments of her life when she was not as careful as she should have been, and was shocked to realize that, had things worked out differently, she would today be the parent of a 19-year-old, a 17-year-old and a 14-year-old.
June 27, 2007?
There’s not one item on my long to-do list that I have any interest in doing.
I wish hot weather had an ass, so I could kick it.
I’ve scrubbed years of grunge off my steel griddle, but now I need to know how to condition it properly.
Her name was Hornee, emphasis on the French, and she was the toast of the town.
“No one’s ever pointed that out before,” said the horny toad, looking a Gerald with an expression of barely disguised hatred.
The protesters marched in circles, wielding confusing placards such as “water-skiing, it’s just a sport” and “snowball, hell no, we don’t want to know”.
As inspired by: 'mouse's Underutilized words: Horny
The toaster bounced happily as the two crusty brown pieces of toast popped up, all warm and toasty smelling.
“Hey, guys, yeh, you on the brass, could you blow a little softer, it’s getting way too horny.”
Now I want a piece of rice bread toast, buttered and salted, and there’s not a slice of rice bread to be found in the house.
As inspired by: 'mouse's You’re horny again an hour later
“Knit one, purl two!,” crowed Gerald, laughing as if it were the first time in history the joke had ever been made, while Bronwyn smiled politely at her sock-in-progress.
That a Scrine archive search only generated six hits on the word “horny” is a crying shame, thought the mountain goat who liked to introduce himself as “horny and horny.”
As inspired by: pam's At the Vietnamese restaurant
Every time his his friends mentioned eating any type of Asian food, Gerald always interrupted, “What’s the biggest problem with making love to an Asian?” much to his friends’ amusement - not.
During the first bite, Muriel wondered what sick bastard would put together such a weird combination of flavors; by the third bite, she was counting the hours until she could return for more.
Pigpen grew up and to his dismay discovered there is no place in the modern office for his adult reek of sweat and cigarettes.
One thousand people called this morning to remind me about having misplaced yesterday, and since I couldn’t seem to recall any of the details, not a one, I hung up; I suppose they’ll all just call again tomorrow.
“It was fear that caused her to swallow her own tongue, Captain,” said the Chief.
Juanita travels for work so much she often wakes in the middle of the night and takes a few minutes to determine where she is; she knows she is traveling too much when she wakes up at home and takes a few minutes to determine she is in her own bed.
“You call it ‘insomnia,’ said Bronwyn to her worried friend across the pond, “while I call it ‘time for breakfast in Scotland.’”
“My sleep is so close to waking that it barely merits the distinction.”
The air smelled like Brut and English Leather and raw desperation.
... is a good dose of goliard. Happy Birthday, g.
I’m curious: do you still wear a watch, or do you find it redundant, what with the clocks on your computer, car dash, stovetop, and cell phone?
He was diagnosed with diabetes, high blood pressure and some stomach anomaly, while she had a head cold and your basic female issues; together, they were King and Queen of The Land of 10,000 Symptoms, where the blanket-festooned couch was their throne, and the remote control, their sceptor.
Some of the best things you’ll ever put in your mouth will be illegal.
After 30 years of silence, Eeyore’s mother began to worry that Eeyore might have taken it a bit too seriously that time she snapped, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
In an era when consumers became obsessed with achieving “real time” internet dialog, a select few discovered, via ScrineChat, the gentle art of the weeklong conversation.
It’s not a good feeling.
My son says that the gray in my beard is awesome and that it makes me look like a 120 year old goth; I’m not so sure this is a good thing.
Back in my day there was no government mandated porn tax.
One day my great-grandchildren will have the best sub-cranial intellireceptors money can buy, so that they can attend a private university in order to pursue doctorates in Spambotica Literature, a necessity for anyone hoping to land a lucrative government job in the ever-growing field of poliporn espionage.
“This just ain’t right, I’m not getting my money’s worth out of the tequila,” Juan muttered under his breath as he realized he had made his wife significantly more margaritas during their marriage than they had made love, “perhaps more tequila is required.”
“Erwin, I’m in a hurry,” shouted his wife, “so for the last time - are the damned keys in the ignition, or not?”
The current Dolly is the 18th reincarnation of the first llama ever cloned.
It’s amazing how interested we are in other people’s trash when Saturday morning garage sale season rolls around.
If you get up around 5 a.m. some Saturday morning and come to work with me, we can sit around together and watch all the people who get up early so they can secretly let their dog poop in their neighbor’s yard.
When they first started dating, Jerry and Liz would each put a dollar in their piggy bank each time they made love—by the time they married two years later they were pleased to discover they had enough saved to buy two tickets to Thailand.
Bronwyn looked around the office wondering whether it would be better (less bad?) to drink warm gin from the cat bowl or directly from the bottle.
In an effort to keep his living room tidy, Ludwig gives his furniture the unproveable property of disappearing when nobody is in the room.
Mathematics is only true because everyone agrees on a common set of definitions about numbers.
“The call button is for emergencies, not for asking for a second coke,” announced an exasperated stewardess to a Washington DC-bound plane two-thirds full of an 8th grade class trip.
Everyone in the room saw him waving the red-hot poker but according to their common definition it was merely a cool blue game of bridge.
Year after year Sigmund always won the “biggest zucchini” contest at the county fair.
My son got a Wii today, and so far, I think I hold the worldwide high score for quickest time it takes to get an arm injury playing imaginary tennis.
Given its size, nobody could convince Friedrich that the U stood for anything but Übermensch.
Ceci n’est pas une voiture.
Efficiency and ease of use have gone down in direct proportion to technology’s rise.
After whittling time on Kierkegaard’s porch, all of the gods enjoyed spending time down on Dali’s farm, except of course, Dalai, on account of the llama.
His Porsche wrapped around a giant melting grandfather clock, Dali thought, Damn, that’s some good windowpane.
His Porsche wrapped around a tree, his girl flung into the arms of another man, Kierkegaard grew melancholy.
After he’d finished philosophizing for the day, Soren K. liked to race around town in his convertible, pulling up beside attractive women and telling them, “Hey, baby, it’s subjectively true that you’d like to make a leap of faith on in here to sit beside me.”
When asked about the mess, the gods told Kierkegaard that sweeping was philosopher’s work.
Much to Kierkegaard’s surprise, the gods showed up every Tuesday morning to sit on his porch and whittle time.
Bob looked at the line up of birds and he paraded up and down with a seeming casual air which was betrayed whenever he turned suddenly and yelled “BOT!” at an unsuspecting bird.
Love is all you need. (the butterfly ball)
Mathematicians have spent years and years proving the weak law of large numbers; what this tells us is that since the sun has risen in the east for an extremely large number of days, it will likely rise in the east tomorrow.
On the same day that I became a premier member of the frequent flier club, I was stranded at the airport for the first time by bad weather and was forced to stay in the last $200 jacuzzi suite in upstate New York.
On Gauguin Mountain, the days turned slowly on invisible lines of mottled blue, and no one worshipped the yellow Christ.
For about an hour this afternoon, I felt the kind of anger that lodges itself in your sternum and shaves fifteen years off your life; I am in no hurry to make its acquaintance again, ever.
Janet, looked at Juan like he was crazy when he told her he’d been “busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.”
“I agree with my own conclusions…”
For twelve dollars, I got a fresh zucchini and cucumbers, teriyaki chicken ‘n’ rice (for lunch), a used copy of Frank Miller’s “Sin City”, and a bouquet of lavender so pungent that passing strangers would break off in mid-sentence to sniff the air.
Arriving home after 9, Henry couldn’t believe the phone company hadn’t also cut off his Internet service; slackers!
The average cold virus can be drowned in an adequate amount of gin.
It would be several weeks before Luke’s burning shame from the Swim Trunk Incident would wear off, and several months until the small pool would recover its aplomb.
You can take your opportunities and synergies and stick them sideways up your bum!
Scrine’s share of the money came to exactly zero dollars and zero cents (U.S.).
Dogs take one job upon themselves, one job above all others, to which they devote an admirable single-mindedness of purpose their entire lives - admirable, that is, unless it involves insanely barking at a basketball hoop at 5:30 every morning.
Letting my daughter get her blonde hair dyed purple may make me the coolest mom in the world, or an ignorant fool; this morning, as we make our way, the Mommy Jury will be everywhere we go, deciding my new nickname.
In a perfect world, today, when I deliberately drove over a banana skin lying on the road, my car would have gone into a comical spin accompanied by some humorous sound effect but, it didn’t and strangely it was actually a little dissapointing.
“...you’ve got sheep hanging between your legs all day so you’ve got to have something that’s not going to rip easily…”
“... and if that happens you can be assured that I will shoot each and every one of you.”
Jesus loves me, this I know, for the bottle tells me so.
Just like Shakespeare, I too sometimes forget to pay the phone bill.
In an attempt to be as pink as possible, I have amassed a concentration of sunburn and poison ivy rash on my back and left arm.
Ni hao.
Long used to trudging along in a personal gravity well, Juan found it disconcerting to be skipping along lightly feeling as if he was suddenly on the moon instead of the earth.
My personal goddess flies in on a wide road of dark chocolate.
“Familiar eggplant” was the winner of today’s spam subject-line contest; I can’t help thinking that I would like to be someone’s familiar eggplant.
In the stairwells of a large government agency there is a sign that says “No running” because people leave their desks rather quickly when the five o’clock bell rings.
To the annoyance of his fellow travelers, Charlie always replies to the airport announcements that there is weather in Chicago with, “Oh! is it good weather?”
We know it’s not paranoia if they’re really out to get you, therefore, is it still anxiety if you have good reason to feel panic?
The iTunes elf, RandomPlay, spent his days and nights using his substantial psychic powers to look for playful ironies and impossible “coincidences” to seed the playlist with songs to mess with his victim’s mind.
We hope you enjoyed your Perfect Day - we now return you to your Regularly-Scheduled Life, already in progress.
Data entry is really the Devil’s workshop; idol hands could well be governed by an unstained soul, but the heart that is chained to a spreadsheet becomes blackened and twisted, and ripe for temptation.
If only a long skirt, loose-fitting sandals, and an Ace bandage wrapped around an ankle were considered a sexy look, my social life would improve so much.
Even though the company email servers were down, rendering her unable to send or receive email, as well as access her online Rolodex; even though the IT tech advised her that “there’s nothing we can do right now but wait;” and even though all of the other people with whom she worked directly were at an eleventh-hour-scheduled sales conference, Bronwyn continued to sit quietly in the cubicle.
Juan couldn’t wait to get back to his desk job Monday morning to try to recover from the weekend’s hard labor.
It was the complete solitary of being that caught me unawares.
As inspired by: A Reuters correspondent
This may bend a rule or two but I knew of only one group of people who would truely appreciate this and so I quote; “Genie Francis, whose character on General Hospital was written out in 2002 in traditional soap opera style — by having her fall into a comma — won best supporting actress for her triumphant four-week return” - now, I may have laughed some (that is certainly a whacky but potentially educational soap opera) but in all seriousness, punctuation can be dangerous kiddies, don’t run whilst holding it.
As inspired by: bakerina's Control Freak Revelation #10
“I was scraping beef tendons and I thought, ‘I’m outta here!’”
As long as your dessert is composed of the crepes (made from flour, sugar, milk and oil) that you bought at your neighborhood Italian deli/pizzeria, the Greek sheep’s milk yogurt that you bought at the Greek supermarket around the corner from your apartment, and the rhubarb/strawberry compote you made last weekend in your own kitchen from your own sainted Swedish great-grandmother’s recipe, you have not yet turned into Sandra Lee.
The dishes in the dishwasher get just as clean without being obsessively rearranged first.
Sometimes going forward means letting yourself drift sideways.
Never marry a woman who sees the world’s margarita glass as half-empty instead of half-full.
As inspired by: Keith's Pillow Casualties
Just knowing that in a parallel universe he nearly died due to some sort of “involvement” in the girl on girl action was more than enough excitement for Henry for one day.
Just having seen three bands ranging from rock to variations of metal my ears are ringing, my clothes smell like the pub, my nostrils are saturated with the smell of sweat and beer yet I know I’m going to sleep well and have peaceful dreams.
Seriously, I need to know just how many men have “attempted to break up pillow fight” listed as their cause of death.
Due to the rather extenuating circumstances, the prison inmates’ musical production, The Pirates in Pen Pants, received very little attention.
My therapist says extreme procrastination is a disease, but I prefer to think of it as an art and myself as an artist.
The familiar percussion beat, filled with cowbell, whistle and bongos, filled her with the urge to bound out of bed and rule the day, but the voices of the backing musicians chanting “why don’t you get back into bed?” caused her to reconsider.
Summer sun and excercise and little girls and butterflies and kisses combined in just the right amounts will make a person deliriously happy.
Do not try to pet the gnarled old sea croc—no matter how slow he looks and how fast you think you are, he’s faster.
B-gark*.
* I appear to have been turned entirely into a chicken.
A term (which should be) used to describe a surface created solely for the purpose of providing a particular reflection rather than having any consideration for the aesthetics of the actual surface.
At this rate, the baby’s going to end up naming herself.
“no known force or degeneracy pressure could stop it…”
Whenever I need a quick mental vacation, I click on over to Tumbleweed Tiny Houses and imagine living in one, way out in the middle of everywhere.
I think my brain just snapped.
Mountains can be immensely comforting.
As inspired by: Keith's Schwarzschild Radius? Curse You, Duck!
Everyone thought the Schwartz kid was just a doofus until one day someone got too close.
Stepping closer, Tim suddenly found himself trapped within the duck’s Schwarzschild radius, and only the ability to accelerate to the speed of light could have saved him, a speed which Tim desperately tried to reach by flapping his arms.
There’s no point in trying to type wehen a cat is nuzzling at your hands in a bid for attention.
Being a little daunted by a spitting duck, the tall man said ‘cake’ (again. just to see what would happen) and a scrabble board appeared on the floor where upon the spitting duck looked at the board, looked at the tall man and nudged the board impatiently toward the man with its beak.
The tall man said ‘cake’ and a spitting duck appeared from nowhere (well, that’s how it seemed, though in retrospect, he figured it must have come from somewhere).
Spittle! Duck!
Sometimes the title is better than the sentence could ever be.
“I don’t care what you say, ducks do NOT have bristles” argued Gertie with such passion and energy that a wee bit of spittle managed to jump across, landing neatly on the tip of a slightly grossed out Betty’s nose.
Some might say that I’m a better man for having worked my fingers so hard today that they started to bleed, but then they’re not the ones trying to type, are they?
Truth be told, the cat never sat on the mat.
Juan wanted to write a novel, but all the good topics were taken.
June 15th approacheth, and once again the small businessman cried bitter tears in his watered down coffee and tightened his belt another notch.
To Muriel’s amusement, her department’s assignment - called simply “strategic financing” - was buried on page 509 and written in six-point type; she was tempted to lay a tape flag over the damn thing and then claim she had never seen it at all, so her team could go home and take a well-deserved long weekend.
As inconvenient as it is to have to walk five blocks back to the Capitol office to retrieve what I dropped, it would have been difficult in the extreme to file a complaint that a state senator had stolen my wallet.
I’m sick of food, so why am I so hungry?
Def: When you live half way between the sewage treatment plant and a pig farm.
As she boarded the subway for yet another commute to her boring job in the financial district, Maria was nearly knocked off her feet by a sudden attack of whatsthefuckingpoint.
The very use of the word foolproof is proof of fools.