Pam’s brilliant scrine-wiki entry is #79 on the Google results for Elizabeth Kubler Ross.
American imperialism took another dark turn during the early 21st century with the Thanksgiving Crusades.
Okay, now that we’ve cheerled Keith to his victory over words, let’s all gather round holding hand to paw to boot to rusty iron wing for a collective focusing of our good wishes and positive energy towards Bakerina who sets forth this weekend to conquer the LSAT (Law School Admissions Test).
The giant sat slumped over his keyboard, his fingers twitching furtively, and as his little rusty birds chirped and cheered “50,000”, he smiled in his wordless sleep.
I’d like to shave regularly, but the covenants of my laziness clearly prohibit it.
As inspired by: Keith's A Very Nice Derby
“Now *this* is a challenge worthy of my skills,” said Simon to himself as he packed his best rod, wound several thousand feef of 50-lb test line and dialed the the time machine back 50 million years.
says 99% down there but that doesn’t look at all right, if you check out the word count he’s at 50,124, which is over 100% with a good six hours left, i believe, so let’s hear it gang: WOOOOOHOOOOO!!! (or wait, maybe he’s asleep:{woohoo!})
The last known sighting of a dunkleosteus in Ohio occurred in 1953 just outside of Sandusky, when the mayor, attempting to present the beast with the key to the city, instead ended up donating his arm, the state fire marshall, three lamp posts, half of the local high school band (mostly tubas and trombones), and a very nice derby hat, which in the mayor’s surprise turn of events, fell off of his head and rolled into Lake Erie.
Lila wanted to bite the doctor—bite him hard, like a monster, and make him bleed and cry—but knew she couldn’t, not with her teeth lying there on his desk, smiling back at her.
It’s time for a shower!
On the way to the subway, I passed by a Dr. Quackenbush’s office only to hope he wasn’t a gynecologist;Once safely on the train I was confronted with ads for a Dr Creflo Dollar leading me to wonder if I was bleeding out in an emergency room, who would I pin my survival on-Quackenbush or Dollar?
though he had completed the marathon hours before and started his own celebrations, Roger stood patiently to cheer and congratulate his arch rival, Ken, who was about to cross the finish line as well.
“This is my foot,” said the boot.
Now, in the middle of the day, the other bugs in the park - whose cacophony you would rarely hear before dusk - are angry but I’ve no idea what news nor forecasts this heralds.
Despite the weatherman’s assertion that it would be 36 degrees (C) and dry, I knew they had erred when, during a walk in the park the day before, I had frequently to avoid stepping on the regimented columns of ants whose purposeful marching spoke of rain on the morrow.
He sat impassively and watched his muse descend but inside, offended though he was at the “King from Nantucket” limerick the muse had inspired, King Phillipe III couldn’t rid himself of the guilt he felt at hanging the poor bugger for it.
Dictionaries are wild and unpredictable beasts and are not to be trusted.
“In the beginning we did a lot of memes, but they’re all so long and boring these days we dropped the habit like ten laceweight alpaca stitches off a broken denise cable.”
Her dream of flying was rudely interrupted by the image of her own ear being mined by a Q-tip, and all attempts to return were only stymied by increasingly invasive body cleansing dreams.
Two old men with bad hips show up to buy hay, and while I load the bales, one tells me about his upcoming surgery and the other about his young wife, who, he claims, will unload the truck when she gets home from work; but an hour later, the phone rings and it is one of the old men, who asks if I will do the job for him this afternoon, which I assume means unload the truck and say yes, but now that it’s almost time, I’m starting to worry that I’ve agreed to perform hip surgery, and I have to confess, I know very little about hips and thighs and such things, other than that’s the dark meat.
and so Lucy, in her desperation and devastation, took a moment to look up “unwanted” in the dictionary, and found that picture of herself that she had fully been expecting to see.
Jack sent Jill up the empyrean hill
To fetch a pail of aether,
But Thor was there to test the air
And shook the ground beneath her.
Water was life, just as life was water, and the two flowed together, intertwined and inseparable, wrapped around and through time from beginning to end in a joyous dance of creation, touching everything , knowing all that was and is and will be, for the two were all things at once, in one time continuous.
“Very healthy, eating well (around 3 rats a fortnight). ”
88! 88! 88%! with two and a half days to go yet, 88!
Candace wasn’t disgruntled by his behavior; however, she was certainly far from gruntled.
Cookies at Kimberly’s desk, chocolate-covered pretzels near Reception, stale Toblerone left in the kitchenette - Bob left no survivors; all hands were lost in his ruthless scourge.
Kyle liked to think of himself in terms of food value in unique circumstances; for instance, he might imagine something like a space station with a six man crew secretly orbiting Mars in the year 1965 running out of all drinkable fluids, just so he could try to figure out his value in Tang.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Chuckling softly, real life lurked around the corner, remaining cleverly hidden as it bided its time, waiting for the right moment to leap out and bitchslap carrot.
It’s often believed, what you think’s what you say
But for those types like Donny, it isn’t that way
A lot of people thought, that Donald was mute
A lot more than that, that he was just being ‘cute’
Fact of the matter, he chose not to speak
And not just because his demeanor was meek
It’s not that he was dumb, nor that he was slow
But when he was young suffered a terrible blow
And so it turned out when his mother would say
“Donald, don’t eat with your mouth open, hey?”
That what he would hear was not quite what was said
As words were inclined to get mixed in his head
He was told this quite often but never told why
You’d figure he’d ask but I told you he’s shy
So no-one explained it and he didn’t query
But being a bright lad came up with a theory
He’d honed it for years but it didn’t quite fit
‘Til somebody told him ‘bout Freudian slips
Whether you whisper, you mutter, speak norm’ly or shout
If you open your mouth, your thoughts will fall out.
Having had four knights eaten by hungry dragons in as many days, Doug knew his worker comp rates would shoot through the roof.
Muriel, discovering lfloweresque lollypop arrangement on her desk pondered whether it was more likley that they were a gesture of goodwill or whether the wires arranged around the lollies were intended to maliciously poke out her eye.
Poor Percival, at play in the fields of the gods, foolishly unaware it’s harvest day.
I try very hard not to feel slighted when the automated air freshener in the bathroom at work chooses the moment I walk through the door to activate but it’s not easy, you know?
Taking slow, deep breaths against incipient claustrophobia, Muriel wondered if PMS-related muscle aches weren’t just caused by having to physically restrain all the snarls that threatened to burst forth at every moment.
I do believe my left thumbnail is becoming a tortoise shell, and I expect a lttle green head to poke out from under it almost any moment now.
My cat, like my creditors, wants my constant attention.
81% and still counting, go keiths go! or, as grace would say: get up, boy, GET THE FUCK UUUUUUUUP! you’re almost there!
Add up the hours spent in your lifetime when your brain was pleasantly blank, and you’ll have at least half the equation.
Bloody Mary, annoyed at having her nap interrupted yet again, sneered at the children from inside the bathroom mirror as she rolled up a copy of the restraining order and shoved it right through the faucet.
They gave him no reason to fear reprisals; they kindly berated him right on the spot.
Intimidation and fear make strange bedfellows.
bakerina’s birthday?....bakerina’s birthday!
Where are you, Robert?
Somewhat bleary-eyed as he rose early and went out to the unusually quiet turkey shed to kill dinner, the last thing Cleatus would hear was a menacing chorus of gobbling as the door clicked shut behind him and the gladiator champion of the turkeys stepped into the light holding a sharpened stick and a grudge dating back years.
I wish I knew what happens next.
Jenny liked the house, but wasn’t sure about the talking crow doorbell cover.
While her neighbors were away for the holiday, she contracted with the gravel company to cover their house completely.
Since Thanksgiving comes but once a year, Henry always forgot from the last time that eating most of the crackling turkey skin results in indigestion of monumental proportions.
Minimalist Jones once suffered a mugging,
That left him, he claimed, not too fond of hugging,
“All that touching and groping, it’s not at all fun,
‘Hey mister,’ they say, grab your wallet and run.”
urg.
Somehow, against all odds and without my noticing until it was too late, my wife has made me into the sort of person who tucks in his shirts.
All the appliances, reacting to the sudden low flight of Air Force I over the house, came to life simulateously, causing Barbara to spit her green beans into Robert’s hair in a graceful arc that included the dog.
Minimalist Jones once had a horrible squabble
With a turkey that’d never quite learned how to gobble,
The turkey just stood there, eyes straight ahead
Understanding not a single word that was said;
It’s Thanksgiving, you see, Minimalist Jones told the bird
Who then fluffed up his feathers, as if maybe he’d heard,
You don’t have to like it, we can just call it fate,
But you, my fine bird, will be served up on a plate;
Some say the turkey pecked Jones on the knees,
Then opened his beak and let out a big sneeze;
Others say he blinked as Jones grabbed his red neck,
Flapping his wings as he screamed, “What the heck!”
Possibly due to the fact that all the grocery stores in Sacramento are closed on Thanksgiving Day, shoppers careened wildly through the aisles on Wednesday evening, frantically calling back to the house on their cell phones (while holding onto their nervous children with the other hand and steering their carts with one elbow), desperately afraid they’d forget something crucial like black olives or bacon for the green bean salad.
We talked about how cold it was as we both pulled the hoods up tighter on our sweatshirts, then I paid for my gas and drove home and he bought his 40 oz. beer and headed back off into the bushes.
Juan staggered out of bed at 2am, rinsed the brine off the huge turkey resting in the cooler and fired up the smoker knowing this beautiful bird would need to cook at least 13 hours.
Miss Jane wiped the splatters of blood and carvings of pumpkin from her broadsword, and, lifting the madwoman’s head from the ground, she looked into her dull eyes and said “I promised another that I would end your pain, so I hope you can consider this a civic duty.”
As Miss Jane rested her bat gently against the organic vegetable stand, she rather quietly said “I thought it might be nice to give you something to fear other than germs.”
“Costco makes the best pumpkin pies.”
“Hah, what a great sentence,” thought boot, “I know I won’t need to write that down”.
I, for one, am strongly opposed to the hiring of feral pigs, regardless of their so-called “De Soto Rights”, and am outraged that they continue to be employed in the bag salad industry, particularly at a time when domestic pig unemployment rates continue to hover just under 100%.
If a Hutterite colony kept a large, communally-owned digital library of their music, would the record industry start a musical holy war?
Last month California health officials suggested that feral pigs might be to blame for the summer’s E. coli outbreak in spinach, which makes me shake my fist and think, ‘Damn you, Hernando de Soto, you crazy Spaniard, what were you thinking, bringing pigs with you on the boat?’, but then I remember bacon, and I’m not so mad anymore.
I heard more really really awful music last night on the American Music Awards than I’ve ever heard in any other two hours of my life; what’s strangest though is that my 12yo daughter agreed.
‘Mouse is not nearly as *interesting* as Bunni or Bakerina, but it does appear that Google considers me an important source of information on lilikoi pie and making love in the shower (tho the scrine wiki entry for lilikoi pie outranks me).
Bob for apples; Tillie and her cat Peanut for pumpkins.
“I must start getting out more,” whispered Tyndale as he ran a hand over the smooth, concave wall, listening to the crunch of the pink gravel beneath his feet.
On a desert island I’d need crayons and a pad of paper, for sure.
Though she had no real proof, Jennie was convinced that the fact that 12-packs of Coca-Cola were sale priced on alternating weeks with Pepsi cola was proof of collusion.
Computers were originally invented so that work could be completed on The Oracle of Bacon
You wouldn’t think I’d forget there was a coyote skull sitting on my mantle, placed there temporarily a month or so ago because I didn’t think it should be on the kitchen table, but apparently I often do.
And on the third day, Jesus wrote again.
“I’m sorry, I can’t, I’m a germophobe,” said the woman refusing a proffered sample of fresh, organic fruit at the farmers’ market.
Kenny burst into the living room with the intention of putting a stop to the constant clicking of his wife’s knitting needles, only to become hopelessly tangled in the yarn, which is where his wife found him two days later when she finished the sweater.
The man with ponytail was obviously upset with the woman on his arm; as we held the door open for them, he hissed at her without even aknowledging us, “I had to eat cake alone.”
“I went to three different gas stations, just to make sure I was getting the freshest pies,” Henry said as he defended himself against the entire rest of the family, “and this is the thanks I get?”
Charlie was glad the family enjoyed his special chestnut and percoset stuffing, but a little disappointed no one remembered it later.
As inspired by: darksteve's Noodle Imp
Having ‘outed’ the existence of noodle imps on this very website, it appears that I’ve become a target for a lot of pent up imp anger, culminating last night in a vicious ‘behind-the-thumbnail’ noodle stabbing incident during a rare unguarded moment of washing up.
Kyle knew he’d get lucky when he took the girl for a spin in his new time machine, but things went sour when she spun the dial to 1972, and moments later caught a glimpse of him in a plaid sweater vest and blue velvet pants.
Shaking the hand of the last client and feigning a final three seconds of cheerfulness at the end of another 12-hour day,Juan fell into the loving arms of his single-malt scotch.
Having hit the 4pm energy wall like a limp noodle, Juan self-medicated with fully caffienated, full-sugar Coke.
Becky noticed the unhappy hippo just in time and reached into her left ear to whirl out her latest liquorice wand and, instead, found a small pea.
The words zipped around the room, bouncing around and falling over; the dance of the burstelgurgle had begun.
During his climb up the corporate ladder, Bigelow had learned golf, squash and tennis out of social necessity, but the fencing lessons had had more to do with a basic misanthropy.
When my college’s physical plant put out bins of salt all over campus, my first thought was not of snow but of margaritas.
When the walls first took on their mirror-like glow, allowing Henry to see his own reflection in just about any direction he happened to turn, he thought it amusing, a novelty of sorts, and he walked around the house looking at himself at every turn from every angle; but when the floors and ceilings took on that reflective quality, and then the couch and chairs and other furniture, the dishes and books and carpet beneath his feet began to reflect, he grew scared that he’d be lost forever, disappearing in some endless picture of himself, and he struggled for a way out, crawling on hands and knees as he bumped into all those things now lost to him, searching the reflection of his own frantic eyes for the door.
Juan concluded the book was well written when he awoke the morning after the protagonist finally slept with her lover flush with his own cheerful afterglow.
Shuffling enthusiastically around the dry playground in his new purple high-tops, Willie’s thick dust cloud quickly engulfed the nearby four-square game, choking the girls.
I always suspected Grandma Bethel’s locket contained a small bit of dark matter, on account of the way the chain dug into the back of her fat neck.
Ice hockey and pregnancy are both separated in to three distinct time periods - somehow I don’t think this is a coincidence.
She was so bored her brain started to melt and turn to snot.
You can’t seriously expect me to believe that an octopus isn’t an alien from Planet Xargle.
How does crap end up smeared on the side of the toilet seat?
American imperialism took another dark turn during the early 21st century with the Thanksgiving Crusades.
Heinrich liked to build turtle models, but only as a hobby.
Anything could come out of that fog, and eventually, it did.
Grateful to have one less, yes I am.
In order to avoid the embarrassment of having to admit you’ve forgotten someone’s name when meeting them for the first time in a few years at a work function, go on the offensive and express outrage that they would expect that you should.
The children of Mayflower passengers William and Mary Brewster are listed as follows: Jonathan, Patience, Fear, Love, Wrestling, and an un-named child, who, if my suspicions prove correct, is Punky.
Licking his lips, he wantonly undressed the turkey with his eyes.
I wonder if there’s a gardener out there in the world somewhere named Earl Stanley, and if he answers his phone with, “Hello, Earl Stanley, gardener.”
She sprints to the front of the bus as fast as her sneakered feet (attached to the aforementioned unfashionably clad legs) will take her.
If I had to go back in time and become one of the Brewster kids, I’d want to be Wrestling Brewster, because that had to be coolest name in town.
“Look,” little Samuel Eaton said, holding up his hands for everyone to see, “I’ve just set the Plimoth turkey leg holding record.”
Judging by the number of banana peels on the ground during my walk around the pond this morning, I suspect an infestation of the rare North American pine monkey.
Just like he’d done every day for the last seven hundred or so years, Vladimir stared at the inside of his coffin lid, wondering what was going on out there.
I’m about to suggest that, instead of picking one paint color (or two), we just cover our entire house with these free paint chips.
As a people, Americans cannot abide it that anyone might be left alone for dinner on that one day out of the whole year.
After traversing a path perilously close to my personal space, he set his bag on the far end of the wrought-iron bench, and pulled from it what appeared to be a slightly square money bag with a zipper along the top—it was in fact a case—a ping pong paddle case.
I forgot to order the damn turkey.
Sometimes the people arrived in twos, sometimes in threes, sometimes even in groups of four or five, but it was the loners that surprised me the most, showing up like they did carrying nothing but bread and butter, asking quietly to use the toaster while the others busied themselves with their oversized name tags.
The construction was well underway before it finally dawned on them that they didn’t actually require a dry dock for the manufacture of boats, seeing as how they were ducks, and therefore capable of building them in open water.
Nay, come and visit me, sweet friend,
Heart of my heart, this prayer I send:
Enter, I beg, my little room
So trimly decked - you know for whom.
It was a large black truck with a camper on the back with at least four very large antennae attached—the entire effect was rather like that of a stealth bomber which had sprouted a grill and made its home in Laredo
“You can be disappointed in me and still come to Thanksgiving dinner,” said Muriel into her mother’s answering machine,“these two things are not mutually exclusive, you know, and I do have a turkey to order.”
As far as I know (after all, I’m no scholar!) not one person in the Bible (maybe even the Koran!) ever says, “Say hello to my little friend,” which if you ask me is a big mistake, because it really is a very good line and could easily be used all sorts of ways; heck, I bet it even sounds good in both Hebrew and Arabic!
The 3-ring binders, having finally achieved a quorum on the bookshelf, voted to hide the After-School Program Group Project notebook until sometime after Christmas.
Don’t blame the shower, at least the water was hot.
This morning I went to let my imagination out to play and it just lay there listlessly.
You can’t lie naked in an unzipped sleeping bag with a young blonde recruit in a barracks full of soldiers without Sarge spotting you, flipping on the lights, and starting up some sort of trivia game, just to mess with you.
During her lunch hour Grud, like a child with his or her nose pushed firmly against the toy shop window, looked longingly at the sentences people had posted at scrine.com (the nasty censors didn’t so much mind scrine.com) - but every now and then, like the child at the toy store, grud would forget herself and try to venture into the world of scrine during her working day, only to be told as she hit submit and the domain changed over to www.scrine.com that it had been blocked because the site may contain explicit content or hate speech… or possibly even ... porn.
I had no idea Joey Ramone’s head would appear on my body!
I knew Keith’s enlightenment would lead me to strange and unusual places, but I didn’t know it would lead me back to 1971.
As the Prime Minister was introduced to Boot he proffered his hand in greeting, and Boot glared angrily at those horrible fingers and began her vociferous tirade.
Everyday people sheepishly use the line “well, that was really embarrassing” in an attempt to diffuse embarrassment, yet society deems it egotistical and arrogant to comment “well, that was really great!” with regards to one’s own work which, using the same logic, would actually be the most self-effacing thing you could say about your own really great work.
“Darn these new voting machines”, cursed Doyle under his breath, as he tried to push the right buttons…little did he know he was suffering from the early symptons of the dreaded “electoral dysfuntion”.
Mousetachio was a real man’s man, a man’s man man, which made him actually quite the ladies man, and on really good nights, a ladies ladies man, which was always fun except for that one mixup when he was mistaken for a ladies man’s man, which naturally he blamed on the shirt he’d worn that evening.
Every day now my muse arrives, forcing my signature onto the backs of little green cards before she hands me my daily stack of certified letters; of course, it could just be the mailman, I’m not exactly sure.
As Henry tumbled head over heels, the air rushing by faster and faster as he passed through the clouds—up, down, he couldn’t tell—and their wet, cold dew leapt onto him, clinging to his skin and clothes, he realized just how easy stepping off of the precipice of enlightenment had been, and even though he had not a single clue where he was going or what awaited him at the end of his tumble—if indeed there was an end, or if indeed it was really he that tumbled and not the world around him, although at this point he somehow knew instinctively that it mattered very little—he closed his eyes, smiling, arms folded lightly across his chest as the roar of the universe gradually faded, lower and dimmer until finally all that Henry could hear was the warm silent welcome of his return home.
Noah hadn’t been able to take it a second longer and did as any father might do with three complaining daughters following his every move, nipping at his heels every step of the way, as any reasonable man would do, Noah told himself—he lied.
It turned out that what we thought was “Up” was actually “In,” which blew everyone’s mind so much that socialism spontaneously bloomed in every major metropolitan area.
Misuse of the word random really gets on my nerves.
It’s as humid and hot outside as spring, at only 7:00 in the morning—good thing global warming is only a myth spread by communist hippies!
“Some of my best days are when nothing happens to me at all, sir, and thus the attainment of nothing, sir, can be thought of as the path to a state of bliss, sir, which in turn has to help productivity…sir” declared soon-to-be unemployed Milli confidently, certain her excuse for a four and a half hour company-funded lunch, with friends, would fly.
Much to Henry’s surprise, his wife was as hard to give away as a bucket of zucchini.
I hate it when toilet paper sticks to the bottom of your shoe and then to save face you have to pull it off and blow your nose with it, just so it looks like you meant to keep it on your shoe just for that purpose.
Don’t get me wrong, I still like my two-door Hummer and will use it to pick up the kids from school, but I just think the new Hummer Turret is so much more me.
I love the Farmer’s Almanac, but what I really need is a guide to everyday omens—for instance, how it bodes for your day when the angry man sitting across from you on the train is dragged away by police, and the homeless man on the bench vomits all over the sidewalk just as you walk past.
One good thing to not drop on your pants right before going to work is a cold chicken wing glazed with congealed grease, but I’m sure there are plenty of others.
Mankind’s greatest achievement is the pulley; catkind’s greatest achievement is the patented “sit in front of the computer screen” move.
Keith, no pressure, but I sure hope you’re planning a whopper of a sentence with which to celebrate your enlightenment (just in case you really do go “poof” and become one with the universe you’d want to be sure and leave a proper legacy, y’know).
“Gabbermouth.”
Hoping to avoid cat sneers, Thaddeus traveled only during the day.
The only piece of good news was their mode of travel: teams of replicated, genetically-modified Pterodactyls would airlift old SUVs, while passengers steered using a bio-interface that resembled an old Commodore 64.
Noah tightened his grip on the fake steering wheel and pretended he was navigating the flood waters, running over goats as they bobbed in his path.
Startled, I actually jumped when the swirling toilet paper tickled my undercarriage.
One of the best things about the all-female government, thought Queen Fay, were the free tampon machines in the castle’s bathrooms; the very best thing, however, was the 401k plan.
Whatever day it was that nutritional value and cholesterol level became more important considerations than what happened to the wish-bone with regards to roast chickens.
Keith’s total enlightenment came when he was allowed to slowly choke everyone who’d ever written an elementary math textbook.
In 2097 came the Overlords, who passed a planetary decree (and backed it up with force) that only women could rule, while men tended the home and hearth; contrary to popular belief, it turned out the empresses of the new era were no wiser or more empathic than kings and princes of the past - they promptly made war upon each other with a viciousness borne of self-loathing.