“Wherever two or more gather in my name,” she uttered self-importantly, “there will be more than enough computers to go around.”
a car with a bad transmission: I just keep slipping into neutral at the worst possible moments (i should have read that damn horoscope this morning).
This morning I woke up, looked at my watch, thought “I would pay serious money to someone if there was some way to buy another hour’s sleep,” looked at my watch again and discovered I’d misread it and had exactly an hour to go before I had to get up.
Although inspired by DC Comics and his favorite band The Aquabats!, Bradley’s four foot 10 inch, 204 pound body was not built for superhero spandex.
I went looking for my muse bright and early this morning and found the sodden bastard passed out in the hammock in the back yard, next to half a warm pitcher of lemonade and a near-empty bottle of vodka.
she was never afraid; even the darkest back alley seemed to garner her interest, armed with just a purseful of dog bones as security, she showed no fear: and she let me suck the angel trumpet’s.
I dreamed that someone erased my iPod, to my complete and utter horror.
As inspired by: hysterium's a to z (rubish)
gothic scene-setting, neo-nazi duck attacks, animals on a road trip (into said gothic scene?) and a calming, sylvan glade with tweeting; anyone?
Like a cactus no longer in bloom, Dave, too, was scarred, and the emptiness of his lost love became his umbilicate apex, a reminder that followed him everywhere.
…not what it appears to be.
“Hey, what do they sell there?”
my latest blog, proclaiming proudly: kids make art!
As inspired by: Relativity
Are you really sure that a floor can’t also be a ceiling?
When you really think about it, there aren’t any differences between an office cubicle and a bathroom stall.
Henry was undoubtedly the world’s most honest counterfeiter, telling his bank to go ahead and proceed with their planned foreclosure on his house, since he’d run out of ink the night before and wouldn’t be able to print up near enough 100’s to make his payment deadline.
As the commuter train passed, Alec wondered whether the little girl in the window was waving hello or waving goodbye.
Any bear could demand enough food granted heavy intra-jurisdictional kumquat lobbying makes naughty outcroppings pay quality royalty sales that usher values with X-rated yoga zest.
Roger chuckled at the sight of the old computer ad selling a “blazing fast 80 mhz micro computer processor”.
Kathy had absolutely no problems with her co-workers after she managed to set the LaserJet scanner from Stun to Kill with lethal success.
“Well,” said George, “same’s true about those drunks down at Spit’s, only now those boys are sneakin’ their peeks from a barstool, rather than from behind a tree.”
I like my neighbor better in winter, when windows are closed, because he has really loud speakers and really bad taste.
You can have my Internet service when you pry it out of my cold, dea… oh, yeah, I guess flicking that switch will work too.
The most important thing is to keep breathing.
It’s not that I wish certain people to fail, not exactly, but there are those I watch piling up their successes and think, “Could things not go your way, just this once, so you know how the rest of us feel?”
Owing to the lack of fuel, I cannot take my steamroller out on the public thoroughfare, there to squash random slow-moving toddlers and puppies, and that grieves me sorely.
I got the job - well, both of them actually.
She lifted her arms and she floated away; it afforded a magnificent view of the port.
After having seen a guy cough violently into his Newsweek, and then calmly turn the page, I am here to tell you I will never, ever pick up another magazine in a waiting room.
Grudknows did a little jig of delight after hearing that she had an interview for a six week work assignment, hearing she may have the chance of getting some after hours work (as well) and (on a much sillier note) - this morning there were 68 posts in the off topic thread she started in the fan forum before she went home last night.
She giggled.
At the close of the meeting, Rudy knew that the project would come his way after he unknowingly opened foot, inserted mouth before the panel.
As inspired by: To tell would violate some kind of privilege
Dr. Johnson knew that he was going to have to stop seeing Jennifer as a patient when he found himself drinking warm gin out of the cat’s water bowl after she left his office last Thursday.
I’ve had this vague idea in my head for a long time that there’s some thing I’ve been forgetting to do or say, or maybe some place I’ve been forgetting to go, but I’m getting used to it.
The letter “s” looks very strange to me today.
i have seen the rock bottom depths of pseudosnobbery, after meeting my sisterinlaw at the panera bread, attached to the starbucks and actually purchasing a loaf; which i later fed to the ducks along with my sincerest apologies.
is it wrong of me to teach the six-year-old math via scratch off lotto tickets?
The little men milled about restlessly, bristling hair and rosy-cheeked with expectation.
As the mobile phone bounced repeatedly across the pool deck - bang … crack … smack - and arced high into the air above the crystal clear water - whooooosh - eventually landing in - oh shit, oh shit, oh shit - the watery lake of destruction, Tammy realised that she probably should have heeded her own advice, just this once.
The flamethrower glowed red and white as it sprayed mayhem and pain across the row of cubicles and Miss Jane screamed defiantly into the rampaging fire “NO, I don’t mind being your admin girl, I hope you appreciate my technique!”
May I suggest, and even be so bold as to pin to the top of Scrine until Keith takes it down, that we have our own version of the annoying—and just plain odd—music show on Scrinecast on April 1; it could highlight the talents(?) of, among others, Yoko Ono, Neil Diamond, the Palindrome song, David Sedaris, Jeff Foxworthy, John Denver being strangled, assorted needle skips and other gems Keith has collected—just name it, he may well have it.
Time after time, I drove all night—with God as my witness—I drove all thru the night, wanting only to learn if she bops and if it’s true that she’s so unusual, but when I finally met you and offerred up my love saying, “I’ll kiss you,” you had a change of heart and showed your true colors, teasing me just like all the others who’ve sneered, “Sure, you think girls just wanna have fun, but money changes everything.”
Mousetachio had many secrets, not the least of which was the hidden staircase leading down to the long forgotten caverns.
Billy was eventually asked to leave the yoga class, further convincing him that the dabbler ducks in the front row were receiving special treatment.
When doctors questioned Rudy about why he had plunged ice-picks deep into both ears he scrawled a simple note, “Yoko Ono.”
other kids used shiny plastic toys and buckets and made a real system out of it, us poor kids just laid down and made sand angels.
Mousetachio’s secret wasn’t that he loved Cyndi Lauper, but that he also loved every single woman who reminded him of her.
Unrequited love devoured Joe like a three pack a day habit.
The first step (which is quite possibly enough all on it’s own) is in a moment of desperation, trying to avoid the task at hand and after a few wines go and sign up at a fan forum site; secondly, take time to look around the site and finally give in to your urge to make commentary which will (probably - and quite possibly) lead you to get involved in a discussion on politics, religion or something with a highly ethical and moral flavour such as abortion (and will then have you up to all hours reading through all manner of literature so you can cite sources that support your commentary).
There was a piece of ‘literature’ lurking under her desk that bore part of her name, displayed cleavage and was depravedly titled “For Love or Power”.
Skeleton keys, escutcheons, waffles and multiple pee locations.
Take elements of someone else’s conversation out of context, stitch them up together and then quote them to somone else.
Forward date your Scrine sentences by days or weeks, so that you can be surprised, possibly pleasantly, when they finally appear on Scrine.
Now that there’s a nice long stinking trench across my yard handling the overflow from my backed-up septic tank, I can get down to the business of pretending King Henry VIII and I are discussing London’s growing sewage problem.
“Would it be bad to drug houseguests?” she casually wondered to herself after a mutual friend remarked on a guest’s high level of bubbliness.
She ran around the house, listening to the steady drumming of the rain outside, hunting for umbrella, jacket and boots, eventually giving up on the latter, so as she half ran/half walked to work, her pretty purple sandals splashed into puddle after puddle, cold ribbons of water snaking their way into her shoes and sneaking their way up her ankles.
Until two days ago, I didn’t have a single John Denver album in my collection.
Funny that in my mind my gardens are always big perfect things, just like the kind I hated weeding when I was a kid.
As inspired by: boot's unravel
You can stand and stare at the moon-lit sky, you can be with those who truly love you, you can sit in the daylight, with the ducks and the dragonflies, you can lose yourself in a book, you can watch the sunrise as you glide through the water, but sometimes it takes all of these things just to begin to unravel your thoughts.
As the girl sat contentedly on the muddled brown carpet, her shoulder leaning on the big, comfortable chair and her small dog resting nearby with his furry chin on a pair of slippers, she watched as the woman concentrated, back bent and shoulders hunched, creating something out of what seemed like nothing, thinking “You can stand and stare at the moon-lit sky, you can be with those who truly love you, you can sit in the daylight, with the ducks and the dragonflies, you can lose yourself in a book, you can watch the sunrise as you glide through the water, but sometimes it takes all of these things just to begin to unravel your life,” for which thought she paid dearly, later.
As inspired by: bakerina's zen and the art of lace knitting
The young girl sat contentedly on the muddled brown carpet, her shoulder leaning on the big, comfortable chair, a small dog resting nearby with his furry chin on a pair of slippers, and the girl watched as the older woman concentrated, back bent and shoulders hunched, creating something out of what seemed like nothing.
You can try to work a pattern repeat while dwelling on heartbreak, anger, that really embarrassing thing you said to a room full of strangers when you were nine, or anything except the needles in your hand and the yarn in your fingers, but if you do, the odds are good that you will pay for it later.
When, in the side yard next to the dryer vent at my humble home, I stumble across a morel mushroom, I take it as a sign - a sign that there’s gonna be a morel sauted in butter and garlic this evening.
Sometimes when I get up in the morning, there’ll be a couple of chickens at the back door, staring in at me.
All we really want, ever, in all the world, to solve all our problems for all time, is a perfect ______.
This headache has its own address and phone number, but I’m drawing the line at allowing it to use the internet.
In the dream world I’m sort of a violent pacifist, but don’t worry, once I wake up I’m mostly just lazy.
I’m drunk.
When the dim sum cart tips over it’s dinner time for the crickets.
When the folks selling the home next door scheduled their open house, I guess they didn’t realize it was the same afternoon as my 9th annual Naked Hillbilly Front Yard Square Dance and Sloppy Barbecue Festival—but there’s plenty of parking, so I don’t foresee any problems.
My hair is getting long and people always say I need a haircut, I like playing Xbox, especially Legos Star Wars, and I’ve bought mustaches for all the characters, even Queen Amidala.
I enjoy fine wines, talking next to a warm, roaring fire, the company of strong, independent women, and walking on the beach, especially during baby harp seal season.
I’d like to teach my son how to shoot petty thieves, but then I’d feel obligated to teach him how to bury bodies, and that’s a lot of work.
I’ve heard it said that some people put their brains to good use, filling it full of interesting, relevant facts and useful information - I wonder what that’s like.
I wish I was lying, but not ten minutes after finding out today that someone has stolen some equipment from my shop, I go inside, sit down at my desk, frustrated and mad as hell, only to have the phone ring and a recorded sales voice say, “If your company needs equipment, then you’ll want …”
As soon as Kathy heard the blood-curdling scream from somewhere behind the Reference Desk that the Zombie Removal Squad had missed one.
“Daddy, do fish swim on the other side of the river in England?”
The Reindeer Games went downhill fast when Rudolph was selected to lead the semi-final game of Red Light, Green Light.
Is it so wrong that I cannot pick up a banana without putting it to my ear and saying, “Hello?… hello?”
“I fell in love with my present chap during a quarrel about whether or not George W. Bush is a total dickhead.”
“Would I ever have dreamt, when I did my first case before some terrifying old monster a London Sessions, that I would ever sit discussing the erotic effect of an argument about the American President on a High Court Judge?”
“Good morning Keith,” said the frogs and owls, giggling and ducking just out of his peripheral vision.
Beer o’clock keeps shouting at me - well sending me messages in capital letters - demanding that I go home, asking me what I’m still doing in front of the computer and it’s getting blunter by the minute; tonight however, is not a night for beer - it’s a night for juice at the kava hut (I’m not overly keen on kava as such but the venue, now that’s cool) or perhaps a night at home with a bottle of the wine talking to the cat and bunny and, as such, meeting all expectations for the thirty-something age bracket to which I belong.
Dear Complete and Utter Bastard Jenkins, why don’t you just piss off you interfering busy-body thank you for the useful advice, don’t you think I have a brain of my own and am capable using a smegging search engine?! it was thoughtful of you to send me the information.
On the way to the loo, librarian Betsy Sue was way too close when she laughed and fell into the elevator shaft.
The deep, bone-tired sigh escaped Heidi’s lips, but then she caught herself, remembered she was being well paid for her work on this project and decided she’d do the responsible thing and keep working.
The old parishioner stated to the attendant newspaper reporter, “The church picnic would have been great had the food not run out after those hippies down the street started burning their weeds.”
Lead a horse to water, and it will drink; lead a friend to a bar, and get stiffed for the tab.
(notice the proper use of a semi-colon!)
After receiving a handful of compliments on his cologne, Leo stated that the eau de toilette was much fresher in the second stall of the 7th floor men’s room.
“Nothing can bring out a person’s inner homicidal maniac like putting them into a cubicle,” said Kathy, the accountant from downstairs, before she pulled the trigger.
“And I decide how cheap I’ll sell myself on the beer and cum stained floor.”
The Monkey-Horde has been fed, watered, and hosed down with a 10-percentum solution of isopropanol, the better to restrain their Feces-Flinging Tendencies.
What’s the use of fighting with those cardboard Christmas wrap tubes when you’re a kid if you just grow up and there’s no one around to pick a sword fight with?
If you can entangle them in their own underarm hair, you’re halfway there.
Sprouting feathers is far easier than pushing out metal spikes from the undersides of my limbs.
Why isn’t photocopier paper furry?
“Mercury is certainly in retrograde,” she said cryptically, backwards, shouting into a sandstorm, her hands clutched tenderly around the brick she had prepared for the window of the burning sportscar.
Chester wiped his hands across the front of his jeans and prepared to climb, his eyes focused on the beer-drinking window of opportunity.
prolific: adj having the ability to utilize and/or assign separate portions of one’s biological computer to varying tasks, see multi-tasking, bored-at-work
You know you’re in trouble when you try to read the warning label on the bottle of glue after your fingers are attached.
Pragmatic to the end, Herbert left strict notes that a fresh package of Cheetos was to be placed beside him in his coffin.
After overhearing someone say that the way you tell a semi-colon from a colon is that a semi-colon has a thingee like a boy, I knew that it was time for me to stop volunteering for college-level English tutoring.
Shelley knew that after getting air sick that Levitation 101 was not going to be her favorite class at Eau Claire School for Witches.
I’d say you’ve earned these
Apparently the parents in the feel-good story of the day, snowy mountan rescue story did not get the memo on stupid baby names, thought Makynzi, as she cried hot tears for the two children in the story, Gabrayell and Sabastyan.
[public service warning: do not read the baby-names link above while drinking if you are a person who tends to spit your soda all over the keyboard when laughing]
There’s something to be said for a movie you can turn on at any point between beginning and end without feeling you’ve missed anything.
Jacob had big dreams of exploring a new cave and becoming famous but failed to the notice the strangely formed rocks, the slight smell of decayed flesh and the stalactite shaped like a uvula.
After poking out his own dry eyes with a sharpened pencil, Simon swore that he could hear the sand pouring out for what seemed like hours, although in reality, the sand poured out for no longer than ten minutes, tops.
Before leaving the office for her 50th birthday celebration, Wanda held her nose and said, “I may be an old fart, but at least I don’t smell like one!”
The card from my coworkers read ”You bring so much to the table each meeting that we will have to work hard to fill the role that you so ably fulfill”. which made me think that it may be a derrogatory comment about the size of my shoes.
Peering through the store front, Fred imagined how the new automatic grape pealer would change his life.
I just now realized how much I miss the sight of that old coffee pot, percolating away on my grandma’s stove.
my brain feels like wet cake, falling away in big chunks; who can save my brain, for it surely is not the stimulation of the work at hand; I feel I will need to escape to the pub soon, far more interesting characters there.
Miss Jane whirled about suddenly, spraying blood as she went, and shouted “alright you bastards, you will leave me, my family, my friends and their family alone, or it’s a pickaxe to the head for you!”
As inspired by: http://www.adelaidefringe.com.au
Whoosh, bang, la-la-la-laaa, right into your brain like an electrified spike, gas masks and goggles of red beaming lights, yeah, sing it baby, sing it, oh, but my senses are whirling everywhere, oh, no, oh, yes, biddly-bop!
You know you must be sick when it’s a stinking hot day and your cat still thinks he should sleep on your lap and not let you move.
“Oh, I recognize this emotional landscape, particularly the dark and stinking meadow over to my left,” she thought to herself as the PMS kicked in.
I don’t worry so much about setting wrong courses as I do exhausting my opportunities for turning around.
Due to ongoing litigation between God and the Microsoft Corporation, namely in regards to exclusive rights over use of the word, and/or title, God, including any and all known and unknown variations, this year’s Geeks For God convention has been postponed until further notice.
“In the beginning,” God told the Geeks For God convention, “I created the world using only web-safe, hexidecimal colors, which worked fine until sometime around the year 1173 A.D., as I’m sure you’re all aware of; but enough about the beginning of time, let’s get to the final judging of this year’s Miss Pocket Protector competition!”
“In the beginning,” God told the Geeks For God convention, “I created the world using only web-safe, hexidecimal colors, which worked fine until sometime around the year 1173 A.D., as I’m sure you’re all aware of.”
Random vibrations in Scott’s personal magnetic field made it nearly impossible for him to use a touchpad-mouse.
As a crowd of commuters closed in around Bronwyn’s seat, she glanced at the doorway, where 30 frantic, late-for-work, quick-to-anger people were trying to squeeze into a space that could comfortably fit four, six at maximum, and thought, this is the price that must be paid for the Heather Garden at Fort Tryon Park, 24-hour Ukrainian coffee shops, the Ladies’ Mile architecture, fresh watercress at every corner market, that neighborhood in Queens where you can buy a freshly-made arepa and a French pastry within ten feet of each other, and the chance to bump into Adrien Brody in a bar on St. Patrick’s Day.
Okay, I thought, so the toilet is plugged, big deal, I’ll just go to bed and plunge it in the morning, not realizing that the foul water of a plugged toilet can continue to mysteriously rise while you sleep, slip up and over the edges of the bowl, and begin creeping its way across the bathroom floor.
My WTF tree has now produced pods in small clumps.
“Let’s try another one,” the hermit told Henry, shaking the letter in his face and motioning for him to keep driving, “there’s no romance at this post office either.”
Who knows what boot and grud are up to - and more to the point - why does grud have a fork instead of a spoon to stir her coffee…?
I packed the glistening tubes in tight, checking that I hadn’t left in any spiders or milipedes this time, turned him around slowly, checking for leaks, and started to place in the last couple of stitches.
The last time Uncle Herbert had an extended stay in hospital there were no multitudes of mobile phones, no ubiquity of unplugged laptops, no iPods, no Gameboys, no nothing, just white walls and a book he was too sick to concentrate on reading.
“You thought I was a spy and you stitched me up, but you didn’t even think that I would drag you down with me?”
Orionoir does Bakerina (so to speak); a long story by ‘mouse; and, Bakerina speaks
No matter how many stone walls you’re a part of, it will always be a challenge to look at 200-300 feet of rough, sloping, muddy Oregon hillside, then know exactly how many tons of boulders, and how many hundreds of manhours to move said boulders, will be required to make everyone happy.
australia is a big country and IT wasn’t anywhere near you guys, right?
who can tell me, please, how i might password protect my dsl because i’m damned if i can figure it out, verizon being less than forthcoming on, well, just about anything, and my connection is never “good” and, more often than not, it seems, unavailable entirely, which leads me to believe that it must be availing itself to someone else, o faithless conduit, while i am to be content with leftovers, a wireless cuckold.
Monday morning hope is like an Alzheimer’s childhood, nice to think about, but not really there.
The world was universally stunned late Sunday evening when the president announced at an impromptu press conference that the tens of thousands of albino, eyeless babies being born throughout the United States were an expected result of last year’s restructuring of the nation’s bankruptcy laws, saying that he didn’t understand what all the fuss was about, considering that the vast majority of those babies would have grown up to never see light at the end of the tunnel anyway.
“We are looking forward to your assistance and understanding and inform you about new CitiBusiness® department system updrade performed by security management team in order to protect our clients from increased online fraud activity, unauthorized account access, illegal funds withdrawal and also to simplify some processes.”
For those believing in a higher power, it is a commonly held belief that the God figure, whatever form he or she happens to take, is quit capable of hearing everything, and in fact, does hear everything—every whisper, every prayer, every dream and every song, and of course, every curse—which would include, naturally, the various things that now came out of the mouths of the village men, and by this, we don’t mean those men who were just finishing up their argument with Jonah Pounder (although we could, considering that the good Reverend had just finished announcing that there would be a morning meeting, 6 a.m. sharp, on a Saturday morning no less, which did, in fact, set more than a few men to cursing, but quiet little curses, under their breath to keep the Reverend from hearing), no, we mean those other village men, the ones who had decided that it would be a good idea to scramble through the blackberry thickets on a giant-infested mountain in the dark of night, because those would be the curses that now filled the night, loud enough for God’s ears, and certainly loud enough for giants.
The weekend is the time when all good Scriners do laundry and mow the lawn, hearts not quite in the job as their hands twitch on imaginary keyboards; they are prone to sudden outbursts of single convoluted sentences out of severe Scrinewithdrawal.
I found this little rhyming challenge over at erasing.org and figured Scriners would be up for the challenge; so everyone, put on your Gordon Lightfoot thinking caps!
Ronald randomly rambled while running down the road, “Run, Renegade Rutabagas, Retreat!”
I don’t know about you, but looking at a cat’s eye from the side, seeing that thick, rounded translucent part, really makes me curious about poking.
Focus is completely; what… oh look, that patch of light, do I have laundry… what happened to the toast?
It was at precisely 6:01 a.m. on a Saturday morning when Henry decided his life needed more direction, which was, coincidentally, also the exact same time that he realized there was no coffee in the house.
She tapped gently on the door and whispered “subversive” and leant back to wait and see what would happen.
It’s been yonks since I’ve done that.
As inspired by: mercuryfern's Is it wrong to love writing research papers?
James set the casava root down on the kitchen table, then stepped back, still unsure just what part of it was the cyanide, and how he was going to go about getting it into any sort of usable form.
Durham knew before he began his research, and I learned shortly into mine, that cassava is native to the Americas, (Diamond, 1997) and although it is now intigrated into traditional African diets, the mere centuries it has spent on the African agricultural scene exclude the possibility that cassava has been a player in any coevolutionary games there. (Durham, 1991)
“I’m sorry, boys, but since you won’t tell your father and me where you got the sarcohagus, or even how it ended up in your tree fort, I’m afraid we’re going to have to ground all three of you for the entire weekend.”
“Pay it forward” was a really schmaltzy movie, but I can’t hate it too much since it gave name to the way I’ve tried to live my life ever since that nice woman gave me a jumpstart in a dark, nearly deserted parking lot late one snowy night when I was sixteen.
Linda didn’t mind most of Frank’s idiosyncrasies, they were, after all, what made Frank Frank, but when he informed her that he’d be using the Magic 8-Ball to help him answer the wedding vow questions, Linda could feel her temperature rising.
For those believing in a higher power, it is a commonly held belief that their God, whatever form he or she might take in the believers’ minds, is quit capable of hearing everything, and in fact, does hear everything—every whisper, every prayer, every dream and every song, and of course, every curse—which would include, naturally, the various things that now came out of the mouths of the men who had chosen to scramble through the lower mountain bramble in the dark of night.
a car with a bad transmission: I just keep slipping into neutral at the worst possible moments (i should have read that damn horoscope this morning).
Growing old reminded Henry of sledding as a child, especially the cold toes part.