The Lemon and Cracked Pepper Kid was probably the only outlaw the Justice Trout feared, maybe him and Wild BBQ Hickock, but mostly only when they were riding together.
“Oh, and you can play with my boobs, too.”
Spotting the glisten of Luna’s charm upon the frozen dog poop, Carl felt betrayed.
Rufus made it about halfway through his thoughts regarding the attention span of Americans before my friend Schuster grew bored and made him change the subject.
My cold hands struggling with the belts, face down in the frosty gravel as I try to see what I’m doing beneath the deck of the machine, my perfect world this morning obviously includes a dirty but practical work coat.
Peta: people eating tasty animals.
It’s hiding in her ears.
Jan van de Boer began to think he was spending too much time with his girlfriend the night she worked late and he was home alone with a pint of chocolate chip mint and the Lifetime movie channel.
I faced my fears and I did it while wearing a sexy little number from Versace
Until today, I thought that maraschino cherries were an abomination, not to be countenanced in any serious kitchen, but I’ll be damned if Roland Mesnier didn’t find a way to change my mind.
Just in case God ever asks, I’m ready to answer which herb and which vegetable the world could live without.
Steven kept all his old water bottles, carefully pouring his pee into them each day, which led him to become very worried as the conclusion became undeniable—much more went in than came out.
For this one day I don’t care about global warming, I’d just like the office (let the other tenants share the gas bill) to reach a comfortable temperature, which, at the moment, is about 80 degrees.
Immense complication: my week for custody, his parents in town, me along with all the plans as a third wheel, discussion of the summer’s travel plans which do not include me, no one talking about the oddity of the situation and me wondering what’s wrong with them all.
“Don’t stress, Mom,” said the Zen Master, “they’re coming to the party to spend time with me, not look for dust on top of the refrigerator.”
but it’s always been a good bit: i teach the difference between 2d and 3d by drawing something up on the board and then, in trying to walk around it, walking smack into the wall, always gets a laugh, always makes the point, only, well, this particular time i’d momentarily forgotten that at present i am emcumbered with previously broken body parts; ow.
“If you’ve never felt truly relaxed, don’t worry - it’s because you’ve never done it right,” Grandpa reassured the visitors around his hospital bed, clicking his morphine drip button a few times for emphasis.
r.i.p.
Nausea was the end result of her foray into the hamburger joint; she left the actual vomiting to her ex-husband, much to her glee.
“This town just hasn’t been the same since that damn Justice Trout swaggered in,” lamented Swaggert to his posse, all the while trying to figure out which bank would be considered upstream in the nondescript main street of Hallywalyhoochie.
Keith and Bakerina would crap themselves if they knew exactly how much time I spent on the “hot dog grill office desk”, yet the idea intrigues me so much that I can’t stop myself; this really is an office furniture innovation whose time has come.
why is that this chapstick only temporarily moistens my lips, and dries out so that they end up more chapped then before i applied chapstick?
Rufus thinks that as much time as he spends thinking about women, maybe the world might just be a better place if they didn’t exist at all, and my friend Schuster, well, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him punch anyone quite that hard before.
I might seriously consider joining any church that served brownies and milk for communion.
My inner progressive has taken up the practice of naming his turds after U.S. Presidents and giggling as he flushes them down the toilet; My inner Libertarian would be outraged if he could stop laughing long enough.
My inner Libertarian accused my Inner progressive of being an AWM (Angry White Male) but the progessive doesn’t see how that is possible he has never voted Republican in his life (well..except once in 1986, but that was his first election and he was young and didn’t know better)
Keith’s pajamas secretly wished they’d spend less time together.
I don’t think I have the charisma necessary to be an effective despot, which is too bad, as despotism appears on the verge of once again being both stylish and groovy.
Juanita shouted at the kids, “Who left their damn Walkman on the table?” and they stared at her blankly.
Frustration came to me this morning in the form of going to sleep at 1 AM, waking up at 5 AM, getting ready for school in less than thirty, and finding out schools were opening two hours later today.
While the worst Buddhist in the world beat her boss to death after making fun of her meditation technique, the second worst Buddhist in the world enjoyed throwing water bottles at the heads of students in his freshmen comp. class who failed to give his Dalai Lama video the proper attention and re-enacting Ionesco’s Rhinoceros in his office.
Talks broke down at the bargaining table, but the threat of a strike by the Panhandlers Union did not instantly cause city officials to see reason.
The travel company keeps sending me emails telling me they can make all my dreams come true, so at least it’s good to know they haven’t installed spyware in my head.
From 5:30-6:00 this morning I shot it out with thugs who’d taken over my childhood neighborhood, then jumped behind the oversized, stiff steering wheel of my old ‘70 Chevy Longhorn to drive through the icy streets of a strange city to help a friend of mine find a therapist, who he said he needed to talk to, but if I wanted to stop off for Chinese food on the way, that’d be okay too; the remainder of my day will no doubt be less eventful.
Eleven days…five hours and fifty-seven minutes left…not that I’m counting or anything.
The head of cabbage appeared to be alive and stank of feet.
I now find myself in the interesting predicament of having no home: my old apartment is empty, my new apartment is 1500 miles away, and for the next 48 hours I am at the mercy of my parents who keep telling me to stay as long as I wish and keep asking me when I’m leaving; heaven help me.
Under the header detailing the dates he worked as a construction worker, my student listed one of his job responsibilities as “fed limbs to the chipper.”
Jerry thought he’d got off lightly when the judge sentenced him to a slappin’ for his crimes - but only because he’d never had one - and the judge was satisfied because he’d seen the rehabilitative results of the Justice Trout before, and so it was one of those rare days in the judicial system when, for just a little while, all the fish won.
“You’ve got the tender beef, butter, salt, French fries, beer — all your major food groups.”
“No, after we’re married, I’ll only make waffles for myself, but under California law, you will own half of them.”
Many have tried, but you will never escape this prison sentence.